Agony aunt dear…, from a man? No!

What the f*ck… Oh am I swearing? Um sorry. Let me rephrase.

What the hell are grown men doing calling radio stations for relationship advice? I am still cussing? Sorry. But you get the point.

Now you all boys converge here. You have lost all claims to the title men,and  for the sake of this crisis meeting, you are boys and you shall be referred to as such.

Seriously, who ever gave this advice to grown men to go looking for women-handling advice from radio! The next thing we will see are Agony Aunt columns full of male problems. What the f*ck!

What happened to the Rugby game asides to handle any asinine crises? Or the bar talk where you received a university -course worth of relationship advice you could write a thesis! But radio! Come on Men!

Unless you are deranged or are the type commonly known as veg naturale, you a have the pass to write into a relationship face-book page and pour your heart out. In which case any way  you would be seeking pick-up lines,  I guess. For the rest, you are putting us to shame. Go Google answers, pray about the problem. Do something. Not radio. Please.

You must have realized that these shows are normally hosted by women; you know why? To give fellow women advice. Dumb! No one ever thought times would come when men requires more pointers to dating than girls. As an aside,even those shows with men as hosts are not designed with you  in mind. They are meant to give women a male shoulder to cry on. You calling in is so gay.Stop already.

So you get to office, and I gather you wear a tie, and you get to your desk and remove your jacket and throw it over the back of your  chair. You settle in and boot your PC.

You open that Microsoft outlook corporate e-mail of yours, that has your title and contact signature at the end, and you settle in. May be a cup of coffee to keep you focused, and you begin.

Dear EM.

I have this girl friend that I love so much … but I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place! We dated for four months, but because I got a job upcountry she asked that we introduce, you know, make things formal, as if married. But I have since fallen deeply in love with another prettier girl, a workmate and she loves me too. I don’t want to hurt any of them.
What should I do?
Please help.

Seriously? Where is your manness?  EM  is not your mother for God’s sake!

And why do you think the girl would do if you beat her to their game of whining and crying, which they resort to for a pastime when you as little as wink at another girl?

I can imagine, some of the e-mailed about girls may even see the fun in this. Having failed in your manly duties, you run ,tail between legs to whine, not vent by the way or throw bottles, or piss at your boss’ car tire but whine at a Radio presenter in search of answers that would get you live happily ever after. I take it the girl would listen in, nay, call up all her girl friends to listen in and even give her own piece of advice to this excuse of a man, which could go like, ’If you love something, set it  free, if it comes back to you…. bla ha blah blah. And you don’t see the humour? This may be the very girl you are seeking answers to who is giving you the answers right there. How lame can you get!

Not that all those agony aunties are not doing a good job on radio and social media, not at all. After all, they get paid to have a straight face, and erase any kind of sarcasm while ‘giving you relationship advice’ however moronic your ‘problem’ may be. They are doing this country a great favor. Who knows, in the absence of street counselors-whose place they are yet to claim from street preachers-radio agony aunties may just be the reason we have reduced incidences of suicide by mankind.

The only relationship advice I have ever listened to worth it’s salt came from Seanice. Yes, she of Sanyu Breakfast, when a girl wrote in saying she couldn’t live a day without her abusive boyfriend. Such drama! And she couldn’t walk away because she would die. Ha! Seanice, God bless her, responded.

Try a few things; take one step after another, but this time in the opposite direction. And this thing about you not being able to live a single day without him… Baby steps- girlfriend- baby steps, try to stay home, without calling or texting him for one day only. If you don’t die, that is your answer right there. Take that medication every day.

Okay, she didn’t use those very words. But that right there is practical advice. And it was a girl who needed it. Not a dude for Pete’s sake!

The world has a long list of problems. Okay, you could say yours is one of them. But we have serious issues to figure out. Peace in the Palestine region; a holocaust in Syria and the Van Persie transfer to ManU. That traitor!

And you, boyfriend,( I gathered If girls refer to themselves that way, and you have joined their league, I have to find politically correct terms to get to you)a member of the male species ,instead of rolling  up your sleeves and getting to work to find a solution, you are e-mailing Agony aunt.

That is such lame game. Grow up.

Or may be cut down on those Mexican soaps you have been watching.

Auntiiiiieeeeeeeeee