If you are an average guy or chick for that matter,this post is not for you.Because the people you know who normally do this work are called bulookas(brokers).So thanks for visiting.Do come again. Bye.
Now that we have the pervs as audience.Welcome again.
The story starts here. Once upon a time………..and you repeat “a long long time a go”.
I traveled to Dar -es Salam.
Damn,this city is hot.Eh! Sorry. No swearing in stories.In order to take advantage of cheaper flight rates, I booked early and even flew early,(I suspect to leave the plane for more paying passengers).Since main business started Thursday morning,my Monday morning flight left me idle by the time I touched down. I had days to kill. So I call some one.I have friends in hot places. He picks up,he was just having a lecutre,but since I am his international friend come a visit ,he leaves the lecture.
I ask him,
“Now friend,have you ever been to Wandegeya?”
“Wande-wa?” he asks also. I conclude he hasn’t.
I ask again,
“Okay,where in Dar is a place like Wandegs?” he is bright,he must have watched Wandegs in his TV.He tells me such a place is called Sinza.
Sinza is like Wandegs in two or three ways.It is close to town but yet with the friendly prices of a friendly place. I pick a cab. I have a few friends with me. In the hot cab is an old man .He realises we are Ugandan. he gets into our culture. You see we talk alot. Ask MTN,we even jam network.
MTN you will pay later.That is a kalango.The man talks about history,about Dar about the cousin he has in Uganda, about Zanzibar. Wait..did he say Zanzibar? .Are we the type that has four days to kill? ..and you are sure he said Zanzibar? We listen,meanwhile our brains are turning around this hot piece of information and pictures,oba diagrams are drawing themselves in our heads..how slaves be sold in Zanzibar and how sultans,those of Bargash be ruling in richness..our minds are picturing…
He said somethig in swahili,and we knew we had got to Wandegs,sorry Sinza.My friend was there waiting.We check into a hotel and we soon go looking for supper.No,lunch.Yes.Lunch. Because we are tourists we decide to walk back into Sinza and them amazing sights be before our eyes.There are pubs everywhere in trees.No.Not like birds in trees but since it’s so hot,why build buildings?You just kwesooka a nice shady tree and a pub is established. We enter.(Sounds funny,entering a tree?) We enter the pub and take some drinks.They realise we are Ugandan,they play Chameleone,and Tindatine,can you imagine!? Long story short,we sleep at five a.m.
Now,if you want to die.Don’t die before you take a speed boat to Zanzibar.Do that and you can die anytime. It amazing,ocean water being white as the speed boat slices through it. Then you pass by large ships as you go,its like overtaking buses on Masaka road. That is how awesome it can be. I even took a picture which facebook blocked. So we land in Zanzibar.
Enter my pimp friend. Friend because,this is twelve hours early ,but since, well he is a PIMP ha calls every one male, friend. Now,its hard enough to find someone who speaks english in Dar.Multiply that by the square root of seven and give me the answer. It’s muuuch harder in Zanzibar.
“Man,we ara fine.We want hotels”,and pimp takes us to a hotel having trippled the prices.
We inspect the rooms and they are oba mouldy! It’s low season.But because Americano as we called pimp was a welcome relief in a world of coast swahili and arabic,we warmed to him early only to realise he was cheating us.Swahili guy tries his best English on us to let us know Americano is cheating us.Why should we trust him?,we ask and he says “ask someone else other than him and me”. “Because he has taken you away from my hotel I also take you away from him.Even I was going to cheat you, I am honest” Any business pupils in class? Take notes.
We ask a third party and we realise the truth.We don’t book.
Now this is a warning,.Movies are fiction.They should never be related even remotely to reality.Even sports channels. Dude with us tells us in glowing terms how he knows a good place for lunch,and we are all hungry now.We hire a Super custom and get there.The ads showed them in good light.But that was all. We settle for Birhian in the next kafunda. Using the same informant,we drive all the way to North Coast,only to realise since it’s low season,they are deserted and you can’t do a lot on kilometres of white beach sand except collect shells and take pictures. We do that and return to stone town.
In stone town,we had visited him Bargash the sultan’s palace,slave market and the ancient town.It’s magical. But we return at night and struggle to find a beer. We have done better scaling walls.Beer is a rare commodity in Stone town Zanzibar,except in Komba discotheque.
This is the real thing! All you pervs ,may I have your attention please? I find my friend Americano a.k.a P.I.M.P on duty.Daytime job,if you can call it that. He tries to skive drinks off us,mbu he will give us company.We refuse. Club opens at midnite.We enter.We dance. We dance the shuffle.We seem to be the only group dancing the shuffle so everyone comes our way,and then Americano has no job.They play Juliana and Chameleone and Tindatine arrrgh again!
Now.I apologise,I will not tell you what else happened.We had a great time.All you people who saw us spent in Bagamoyo,this is where the term ‘memory loss’ was coined and this is where we lost all our money.Ask no more questions.
Having looked even for a a guy to speak broken English and failed,I am leaving the club last and this bouncer tells me in crisp Luganda.”Ba ssebo mwebale kujja.N’enkya tujja kukola”